One of the challenges of coaching is the core competency of direct communication. Direct communication is when a coach shares with a client what they are observing, thinking, or feeling. It is an opportunity for us to share what we are seeing or noticing without judgment or opinion, without driving the agenda or any attachment to being right.

And we share our observations for one reason only – to help our client to see their situation from another perspective and to evoke awareness and new possibilities.

But what holds us back is a misconception about what will happen if the client resists or rejects our observation. What if I am wrong? What if it’s leading? What if the client doesn’t ‘get’ what I am sensing? Where do I go from there?

Here are 3 steps that can help you when this happens:

1. Manage that first reaction. Recognize that it is normal to have a reaction.
2. Perhaps I was leading. Ok, let it go. Don’t let it compromise the coaching.
3. If the client rejects your observation. Think redirection. Lean into the ‘redirect’. Be curious. Listen with your whole self.

Remember direct communication can be uncomfortable. But so is growth. If one is in service to that possibility then all the more reason to share with your client what you are noticing, even when the discomfort is on your end.

To learn and practice this competency as well others, check out my mentor groups especially if you need mentor hours for your ICF credential application. There’s something for every coach there.

The Coach’s Couch
It’s lonely out there. What’s a coach to do? Well, my fellow coaches Emily and Rebecca have created an amazing Facebook group supporting new coaches in all areas of their profession.
It’s a neutral space to practice your coaching skills with other coaches so you can gain confidence, ask all of your burning questions, do research about niches and projects you’re working on, swap testimonials, and build up your ICF barter hours to get you to your certification goals.

Check it out here https://www.facebook.com/groups/coachscouch/about

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Recently a coach I mentor shared this interesting analogy with me.  It is easier to read the label of a picture jar from outside the jar. And before I lose you, let me quickly explain.

You are inside your life – your bubble, your head, your circumstances. And this is your pickle jar or bubble. A person living in a in a pickle jar can’t always see or perceive events around him as having more than one interpretation. He is too engrossed in the little world he has created for himself or that there are blind spots and information in his jar that are difficult to see from within.

Now imagine there’s a coach on the outside of the pickle jar actively seeking to understand you – your perspectives or beliefs. And they have the advantage of not being in the pickle jar with you giving them the ability to read you since there is information and insight on the label that you the coachee cannot see yet.

Now the coach too must leave their pickle jar to make room for a wide open and expansive curiosity. To make room for you. As coaches, we need to let go and look beyond our limited pickle jar, so we don’t fall prey to our assumptions, expectations, or bias.

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This assessment tool for coaches quickly transcribes and converts coaching session recordings and provides an easy drop-down.

And there is a referral program! Just tell them Merci sent you!

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A coach skilled in offering suggestions and insights can point out subtle alternatives that spark new ways of thinking that create new possibilities. These serve as catalysts that shift a limiting perspective to one that supports the client’s true desires and goals.  For example, the client may try approaches or actions they haven’t tried before or asks for help and support.

Suggestion vs Advice

Advice and suggestions are two words in the English language that are often confused. Strictly speaking, they are slightly different. A suggestion is something to be considered while advice is a judgement of what the ‘right’ thing to do.

With this definition in mind, the intent of ICF Competencies Coaching Presence and Direct Communication becomes clearer:

Partners with the client by offering assessments or suggestions as an invitation for the client to consider without any attachment to the client’s outcome or response.

Hears and respects the client’s frame of reference and thinking and, as appropriate, shares his/her own thinking and frame of reference without attachment.

The new PCC markers (effective January 2021) for Evoking Awareness include:

Coach shares — with no attachment — observations, intuitions, comments, thoughts or feelings, and invites the client’s exploration through verbal or tonal invitation.

Coaches share their observations to draw out new possibilities and to bring the other person outside of the framework they have unconsciously established.

Timing of Suggestions

People may not willingly answer or accept a ‘what if…’ question if it feels forced on them. And if your client should ask you, “What should I do?” a coach should resist immediately making a suggestion as it can be more like advice than something to consider. In this case, the following questions may leverage the client’s own resourcefulness. Consider these suggestions (LOL):

• Remind them that they have demonstrated confidence in making such decisions in the past
• Share stories to offer a different perspective or to assure them they are not alone
• Ask, What do you think I would do? Or “What has you asking me about a solution for you?”
• Ask them “What would a wise person do?” Or “What would a person you admire do?”

Of course, in coaching, it’s best to give the client generous time to think. When you feel that the client needs a new perspective, or when they strongly desire one, this is can be an effective time to offer suggestions.

Don’t Go Yet

1. Give the other person the right to choose “yes” or “no”
   Presenting your ideas without giving the other person the right to choose is not making a suggestion – it’s giving instruction or order. Even if the suggestion doesn’t resonate with the client the conversation, this gives you clues as to what might move them forward.
2. Ask permission
   The other person may be willing to listen if you first ask, “Is it okay if I make a suggestion?” Of course, the other person has the choice not to listen to the suggestion.
3. Make Suggestions clear, concise and easy to visualize
   It might be difficult for the client to imagine what they should do if the suggestion is vague or long-winded or too complex.
4. Use the 3^rd person.
   Avoid the word ‘you’. Instead consider prefacing your suggestion with less defence-provoking language, such as, “Another client used this strategy before, what do you think?” or going even further and talking about consequences such as, “Sounds like that may lead to …what if you considered this?” This might make it easier for the other person to imagine what might happen.

Most importantly, our clients get to choose whether or not to accept a suggestion. The coach must hold it lightly and release any attachment to being right or pushing for a specific outcome.

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