1. Following the plot and not the character development, meaning you’re listening to who said what? How many times they said it? Who are the other characters in my client’s story?
But that is not really the important stuff. What we’re listening for is what makes this situation or this person a problem for this client. And likely it is some perspective, thought or idea that’s causing them this frustration, disharmony or even just concern. Think of it like in books. Books have themes, right? And they have plots. The plot is what happened. But the theme is deeper than that and tend to reoccur in literature. So, think about Harry Potter. There’s a lot of wizardry and magic and broomstick riding and all of that. That’s the plot. The theme that runs through most of that series is wrestling with the idea of our own mortality. And it comes up over and over.
That’s a perspective. How do I feel about my own mortality? Is there resistance? Do I want to control it? That could even come up in a coaching conversation! So, think about what makes this a problem for my client?
2. Jumping too soon to the strategy. You know, the client comes to the call and they say, I’ve got to get more organized. My house is a wreck. I can’t find anything. I’m missing deadlines at work.
OK, now if I jump in with so, you know, what can you do to be more organized? Or, what has you so unorganized. The second bad habit that you want to break to be a masterful coach this year, 2020, is jumping too soon to strategy.
This is something that you learn to be as a coach, thinking strategically and that’s OK. You want to be able to think strategically, but it’s too soon. What’s happening there? Are they really lacking organizational skills or could it be there’s some misconception about the amount of time this person has or the priorities or they’re into people pleasing and don’t know how to say no to people. Those are what might be really going on. So, you need to explore a little bit, you know, and listen for that hint of awareness that something new is occurring to your client and that’s when you might want to go towards the shift. OK,” So it sounds like you’ve taken on so much because you didn’t want to say no. What do you think? That might be the heart of the matter.
3. Failing to use the pause button. I don’t know about you, but prior to coming to coaching, I was paid to talk. I was paid to fix and I was paid to make things happen. Then I get to coaching and I have to turn that over to my client. In some ways, it’s just so amazing, this process that you get to do that, it’s not hard if you let go. So, the pause button, when your client is taking some time, give it to them. You want to get over that feeling that what you provide is not valuable.
Silence is golden. It is totally golden because in that silence, the client might be processing. You might have asked a question or pointed out something that they’ve never looked at before. That takes time to digest. Or they just need some time to think. Give it to them. It’s a gift. Think of it as wrapped in gold because it is.
And if you have challenges doing that, in the beginning, I had a second hand on my watch before I had a phone with all the clock and timers on it. I set it for six seconds and that’s a long time. So just start practicing.
4. Talking more than your client. We hear this 80-20 rule in coaching. I should be talking 20 percent of the time as the coach and the client should be talking 20 percent of the time. I don’t know about you. Percentages have never been a strength for me. How I started to realize this was not just from feedback and mentor groups, which really do help a lot. I also noticed it when I transcribed a session and I saw that like my talking was this much text and theirs was this much text. So, you don’t have to be a math wizard to figure out you’re talking too much. Then why are you talking? Turn that into a nonjudgmental. All right. What has me talking so much? Is it nerves? Do I feel like I’m not providing value if I don’t talk this much? Am I wanting to move the client in a direction that I think they should go rather than where they want? Find out what it is that your pitfall is and then shore it up. If you feel like it’s (coaching) not valuable unless you’re talking, shift. Shift that perspective. Remember: silence is golden.
5. Holding back on your observations. As a coach, you have a responsibility to point out things that you’re noticing. That’s what you’re there for. You aren’t just somebody asking questions. This is really the power of masterful coaching – not to be afraid to check something out. What are you noticing? What do you see? What are you observing? What are you feeling? What are you intuiting?
Think about it. How I would invite somebody to consider it? So, it sounds sort of like, “It seems like there’s a contradiction here on one hand X and another hand Y. What do you think?
Or “Something’s not ringing true to me here. I noticed you used the word something and then used the word this something. Which is it?” Or “What do you see about that?”
Holding back on those observations with your client because you’re afraid your directing or giving advice. Use the words, notice, I’m feeling, intuiting. I’m thinking. Put it on you. It’s not your advice. It’s something you’re noticing. Then ask a question. “What do you think?” “How does that land on you?” “What comes up when I say that or what do you think?” And then use the power the pause. Let them think. They can reject it. They can say, “no, that’s not it”. They can say, well, it’s sort of like that. So, they can refine it and tell you some more or they can say, Wow. That you hit the nail on the head. That is a powerful moment.
Practice sharing observations. I do this practice with my family who I want to argue it all the time. So, practice with everybody. You’re having coffee with someone point out an observation. It can just be something you notice. Oh, you know, I noticed that your shirt is a different color than you usually wear. Practice, practice, practice and remember, no matter what the client’s response is, you’ve learned something about them. Whether they accept it or reject it. And remember that they’re not rejecting you, they’re rejecting the observation or the observation. In coaching you are never going to be right all the time. That’s OK. I like a profession where I don’t have to be right all the time.
6. Playing solitaire when you should be coaching. In the beginning. I didn’t know how to interrupt the client appropriately. And if they were going in circles or just building evidence as to why their perspective was the right perspective, like they were all into blaming of another person and they just kept hitting you with why this person was to blame. In the beginning, as a coach, I had difficulty interrupting. I felt like, well, we were supposed to listen, we’re supposed to pause. And I learned quickly that that had me so distracted that I would pull up solitaire on my computer.
So, what I’ve learned in the last 15 years or so is that if you find yourself drifting, it could be an indication that the client is indeed going in circles, that they are throwing too much at you like, “and then this happened and that. And then my mother in law visits”. It gets too much to even hold, then you have to interrupt and a trick I learned was always use their name. “Mary”, and the person usually stops. “I hear a lot of reasons why these people are to blame. I’m curious what, if any, role do you have in this?
That usually stops them in their tracks, but this person’s blaming is what’s getting them stuck. That might be a little direct. You could always say, “It sounds like you’ve put the responsibility for your feeling on others, somewhat like a victim. What comes up for you? It is in bold. Absolutely. But this is why I’m getting paid. It’s bold. It’s objective. The client can do whatever they want with it, even if they react like, “Oh, my God, I’m not a victim”. You’re learning something about them. Just go with it. “So, what part of that might be true?”
Things will happen in your session. Clients might find it valuable or likely to find it valuable. But to be a great coach, you have to inoculate yourself against the Crappy Coach Syndrome, because this kind of judgment of yourself is enough to have you quitting a profession you love and trained for. Because you think you’re not good at it. So, the best preventative and ongoing treatment for this sometimes acute or chronic syndrome is feedback. From a coach, from a mentor, from a group, from reading about coaching.
7. Crappy Coach Syndrome. The best habit you can break in your coaching in 2020 is feeling like you’re getting the Crappy Coach Syndrome. Now, I must admit I did not create that phrase, but I love it because this is what happens to us as coaches. Something doesn’t go the way we exactly think it should go and we jump to questioning our coaching competency. I’m going to say right now, if you’ve listened to this, you’re likely a good coach. Even when you occasionally ask a leading question or a close-end question, you’re still a good coach.
And I invite you to find a mentor coaching group right out of school. Right out of school. Don’t wait, because your learning wires are on fire and you want to learn more and more.
So, I invite you, whether it’s for the CCEs continuing education credits or for ICF hours for a credential or you just want to keep your mojo going. With a mentor coaching group, I invite you to come to one of mine. It’s weekly, it’s a membership program and you can find the information in this newsletter.
Happy New Year and have a great time coaching.
