We use this line whenever one of us needs to lighten up. Think of significance as focusing with clenched jaw or wringing fingers. It’s undue stress because we are making more important than it might warrant. And we may be laboring in the misconception that if we are significant about a problem, we have full control over it. The opposite is true.

Yes, significance has its place especially when we experience the joy of life’s wonderful moments. We capture them on Facebook or Instagram with posts and photos so we can hang on to the joy for a long time.

However, when we give this same significance to life’s little bumps and bruises, we invite worry, stress, and anxiety. And we feel a heaviness that drains our energy and affects our choices for a more balanced reaction. According to neuroscience research, when this happens your amygdala – a part of the brain that assesses threat – activates an automatic reaction in response to a perceived danger. This is vital when we’re facing a life-or-death situation but from repeated use, we react as if a late deadline, disappointing raise, or rejection is a matter of life and death.

This often shows up in the topics our coaching clients bring to a session. As we listen to their story, we are picking up the mindsets or perspectives that are getting in the way of what they want. Significance is often called catastrophizing – believing that they’re in a worse situation than they really are or exaggerating the difficulties. It can be the root of their anxiety or worry or inability to make a decision.

Coaches are not immune to this automatic reaction. How often do we blow out of portion or make significant our role in a session that didn’t do well? Moving into, what Coach and author, Marion Franklin, MCC call the crappy coach syndrome.

This is the benefit of lightness as an alternative to significance. And we invite our clients and ourselves to exercise our power to shift our perspective. Remember the 1997 movie, Life is Beautiful about a waiter and his son who become victims of the Holocaust and lightens this experience for his son by making a game out of their imprisonment. The message of the movie is our capacity to see the good in the worst of times. It’s about hope. About the natural human conviction that things will get better.

We want to take the time to identify where significance might be the reason we are stuck – closed off from new and more effective choices and action steps. As my BFF and I are fond of saying, at the end of the day, it’s just a refrigerator.

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Everyone has unmet needs. Even coaches. However, it is not healthy, nor is it realistic, to expect all of those needs to be met through our work with clients.

In Partnership Coaching – The Systems Thinker, the coaching relationship is defined as “… coach works to support the learning and actions of another person or a team.” And this is a rewarding experience for the coach. There is a deep connection, trust, fulfilment, and connection.

But it is not healthy to expect the coaching relationship to meet all our emotional needs such as our need for:

• affection, appreciation, and encouragement
• comfort, security, support and understanding
• attention, acceptance, approval, and respect
• to feel safe

They are fundamental to all of us but especially so to those who have a calling or career such as coaching. If we rely solely on our clients to meet these emotional needs, it will affect the coaching. The coach might lose objectivity, set up a dependency on or from the client, be overly empathic, find it hard to employ direct communication, and feel mentally and emotionally exhausted from their coaching.

It can be uncomfortable to develop this level of coaching presence with our clients but as coaches, we must find a way to meet the discomfort outside the coaching relationship. Otherwise, we are likely to fall into co-dependency which may result in a dysfunctional relationship that is not a coaching partnership.

• Feeling responsible for solving others’ problems.
• Offering advice.
• Poor communication regarding your observation
• Feeling used and underappreciated
• Caretaking to the detriment of our own wellness.
• People-pleasing (ignoring your own needs, then feeling frustrated)

To be truly present with our clients we strive to come to each session free of any agenda, emotional needs, or judgment. To do this we commit to work on identifying our unmet needs and naming what it is you need that is currently lacking. Then find a good time to talk it through with a mentor coach – keeping the focus on how you feel and not on the past.

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These days it’s easy for us to see the world as a chaotic and disconnected place. And many of our coaching clients struggle with the uncertainty this causes. The Jedi however realizes that all things are interconnected and interdependent, in an infinite cycle of ups and downs. And so does the coach. By keeping in mind that infinite possibilities are always present, and our questions and observations hold this lens up close.

Coaching is a practice of non-judgment, of acceptance that in every life there are challenges. Like the Jedi, we can use the Force or our higher power to interpret and understand even the most painful of life’s events. And learn from them. Failure, disappointment, and disagreement are inevitable. It’s the price for being an earthling. The Jedi and the coach does not deny that terrible things happen; they merely hold that this is simply another part of life.

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Ok I admit this one is a bit of a stretch but what the heck, let’s play with it anyway.

As we said before, emotions and intuition must be understood and utilized in the life of a Jedi and a coach. To stay in partnership with our clients, we resist playing the role of expert shifting the power dynamic in favor of the coach. To do this we must check in with ourselves before we lose both our objectivity and the coaching partnership. The Jedi Code says passionate use of power leads to the Dark Side. In coaching the Dark Side could be leading with our own agenda – even when we think we are only being passionate advocate for our clients. So, the Jedi and the coach works to act with a calm and presence, observing each situation while resisting cheerleading or ‘fixing’ the client and/or their problems.

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Here is a reminder of the Jedi Code – rules governing the actions and principles of the Jedi Order which eventually became the mantra:
Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.

Both the Jedi and the coach must be “unbounded by preconceived notions and try to understand the galaxy that is surrounding them.” Ignorance in this case means disregarding the thoughts and beliefs of others simply because it doesn’t align with our own viewpoint. It reminds the Jedi and the coach that we need to use our rational mind as well as our observations and intuitions to help our clients find the truth of their situation and unearth new possibilities for the change. In doing so we create an authentic and safe space for the client as laid out in Competency 4 Cultivates Trust and Safety Partners with the client to create a safe, supportive environment that allows the client to share freely.

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I was recently invited to a new podcast hosted by coach and author Gudjon Bergmann who was intrigued by my assertion that masterful coaching requires an adherence to the Jedi Master Code. And before you picture me dressed up as Obiwanobi at a Star Wars Comic Con, I saw only the first 3 instalment of the trilogy. However, what inspired me was the basic premise of these films taken from a myriad of sources including, according to the creator, George Lucas, Joseph Campbell’s book, The Hero with a Thousand Faces.

From there he created the Jedi Code – rules governing the actions and principles of the Jedi Order which eventually became the mantra:

Emotion, yet peace.

Ignorance, yet knowledge.

Passion, yet serenity.

Chaos, yet harmony.

Death, yet the Force.

Ok so ride along with me in Part 1 How to be a Jedi Coach of Human Potential!

Emotion, yet peace.

Like the Jedi master, coaches are not immune to feeling emotions. We don’t bury them or dwell on them. We see them as valuable insight to the beliefs of our clients. This precept is a reminder that our emotions when coaching is to be witnessed and released so we can bring peace to our client’s situation. It is our duty (and the Jedi’s) to explore their feelings objectively and with detached compassion. Emotions are not to be overcome or denied but rather explored with the intention of seeing what perspective might be at the heart of such feelings.
By doing this we demonstrate ICF Coaching Competency 2. Embodies a Coaching Mindset
Marker 6 -Develops and maintains the ability to regulate one’s emotions and Marker 7-Mentally and emotionally prepares for sessions.

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We all know those pat sayings, failure is how we learn, failure is where the lessons are blah blah blah. These clichés are true but often we cling to the belief that if I don’t do this right the first time my coaching will never be masterful.

So I better not try anything new, trust my intuition, ask a challenging question or join a coach mentoring group where others might judge my coaching.

No one ever said learning was easy. It takes guts and grit to chuck this fear aside and really embrace the unknown – to coach with abandon and embrace feedback. This is what earned me my MCC. Remember no one ever died on the coaching table…not the client and not the coach.

Want more coaching tips and tricks? Join my new mentor coaching groups. Groups are limited to 10 participants so reserve your spot asap. Find out more…

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No. Transformational is coaching at the masterful level.

I first heard the term transformational coaching when I was a coaching student, and I admit that for quite some time the meaning eluded me. Now, I have come to see that there are fundamental differences in coaching approaches, and it’s helpful for all coaching practitioners to understand what these are.

First, there is “Transactional coaching” – best described as an exchange (or transaction) between a coach and a coachee to improve performance, solve problems, find solutions, get better at something (lead better, feel better, perform better), or achieve self-set goals. Transactional coaching is highly issue-focused, and most often about “doing different”.

Transformational coaching, on the other hand, is primarily being focused. The intention is not for the coachee to leave a session with new insight, shifted perspective, or a ‘must-do action list’, but to have experienced a significant ‘felt shift’ in BEING. That shift is the focus of the coaching session. Once that shift has happened, the client will naturally start to think, perceive, feel, and act from that higher sense of self.

These are coaching approaches, not niches.

The fundamental difference between them is this: transactional coaching starts from the assumption that coachees will uncover what they need to based on their existing way of being.

Transformational coaching begins with a different assumption: an expanded way of being and the leveraging the change in energy and perceptions reveals what is needed.

Transformational coaching dives below the surface and gets to the essence, connecting us to the core of who we are. The great transformational question is always, “Who do you choose to be?” And the transformational journey is the movement into the embodiment of that choice in being.

Transformational coaching includes yet transcends transactional coaching. This is the reason that transactional coaching is taught in foundational coaching programs—it is the bedrock of all good coaching.

Transformational coaching is a more advanced form of coaching, in part because the process of shifting a person’s way of being, and then helping them sustain that shift, requires a more thorough and holistic understanding of the human development process.

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Then I came to coaching and slowly – painfully so at times – practiced the art of really listening with the intent to learn, to see, hear, and understand others and why they were finding their situation challenging, uncomfortable or exciting and energizing.

I learned to listen to what they weren’t saying, those throw away remarks like, “I’m having a horrible time with my mother today, but I want to talk about my supervisor at work.”

A masterful coach knows to ask a question about the Mom situation despite their client’s dismissiveness. This is just the right time to ask yourself: “Why are they telling me this?” These offhand remarks are often significant – the key to understanding what makes it a problem for them. Their perspective – expressed in their actions, words, and thoughts This is masterful listening. The most powerful coaches move quickly through the ‘story’ and delve into perspective.
Want more coaching tips and tricks? Join my new mentor coaching groups starting September 26th. Groups are limited to 10 participants so reserve your spot asap. message me about special discounts.
Find out more…

If you want to take your coaching to the next level, join my weekly mentor coaching group.

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You can imagine my frustration! But this trial has not been in vain. I have learned (kicking and screaming at times) that to be a master level coach you have to give up more than you have to add. In short, less is more when coaching at the level.

So what exactly do you have to give up?

Avoiding the coaching agreement.

You might already know or assume you know what the client wants from the session, but the truth is neither of you know for sure. That’s why a SOLID coaching agreement can be invaluable. With a specific focus for the session, you avoid drifting to far afield of the topic, trying to manage too big an issue, or getting into the story the client is telling rather than who the client is in the situation.

This sounds like:

In our 30 minutes together, what do you want to focus on that will make the session valuable?

In our 30 minutes together, what will make a difference for you?

Believing the first thing the client says.

Sometimes a client comes to a session with a vague topic like wanting more life work-balance, or better time management. These topics need to be probed to get to the heart of what someone is really concerned with. 

This sounds like:

What do you mean by work life balance? 

What makes it important to you?

Ums, Ahs and Ohs.

This is a challenge!  After all, the client needs to know I’m listening especially in a phone session, right? Actually, these affirmations can disrupt the coaching flow, or the client’s thought. There are better ways to acknowledge your client and/or assure them you have heard them. 

This sounds like:

Sounds as though this problem is disconcerting to you.

It sounds like a trying or difficult situation for you.

Use their name

Thomas, I can hear there is a lot going on for you. I am wondering …?

Mary, what I am getting from that is….

Stop Parroting.

You want to encapsulate what your client is saying or share an observation, but don’t summarize by recapping or parroting back word for word or too often. That wastes time since you want to get at the underlying emotion, not more of the story. Too much recapping will disqualify you from getting your MCC. 

Sounds like this:

What about this?

What will you do?

What resonates with you now?

What do you see about that?

Ditch Your Metaphors.

I do not agree with this one but if you are looking for your MCC always use the client’s metaphors, not yours. Ask the client what this looks like to them and then build on it. 

This sounds like:

You say this problem is like a pebble in your shoe, what if you could walk freely?

Drop the Pom-Poms.

Avoid cheerleading words like Wow or Great Job they are opinions rather than acknowledgments. Strive to be more neutral. (It is ok to say “congratulations”.) 

This sounds like:

Sounds like you worked hard on that.

That sounds like a major win.

Stop Before the End.

Don’t keep going because you have more time.

If the client has had a shift, and identified actions and the coach keeps going and asking what else should we work on, etc. you will not pass the MCC assessment. Know when you reached the end. It is usually 20 minutes in at this level of coaching. 

This sounds like:

We’re coming to the end of our call, where are you with the goal you set for the session?

What else do you need to support this goal?

Is this a good place to complete?

Overlooking the Agreement.

The best way to end the coaching conversation is to loop back to the coaching agreement you established at beginning of the session. And verify you got there. 

This sounds like:

When we started you wanted clarity. Where are you now?

Where are things at this point? 

Remember the ICF assessor is listening to the coach NOT the client.  How and what you say are more significant than the client’s outcome. So don’t push or encourage or lead the conversation in any way. 

If you want to take your coaching to the next level, join my weekly mentor coaching group.

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