Most fields of psychology agree on two key ideas: We grow in stages, and each stage has its own needs. The primary motivator in our lives is the satisfaction of these needs and where we still have unmet needs—our secondary motivation is to meet them as an adult.
Everyone has unmet needs. Even coaches. However, it is not healthy, nor is it realistic, to expect all of those needs to be met through our work with clients.
In Partnership Coaching – The Systems Thinker, the coaching relationship is defined as “… coach works to support the learning and actions of another person or a team.” And this is a rewarding experience for the coach. There is a deep connection, trust, fulfilment, and connection.
But it is not healthy to expect the coaching relationship to meet all our emotional needs such as our need for:
- affection, appreciation, and encouragement
- comfort, security, support and understanding
- attention, acceptance, approval, and respect
- to feel safe
They are fundamental to all of us but especially so to those who have a calling or career such as coaching. If we rely solely on our clients to meet these emotional needs, it will affect the coaching. The coach might lose objectivity, set up a dependency on or from the client, be overly empathic, find it hard to employ direct communication, and feel mentally and emotionally exhausted from their coaching.
It can be uncomfortable to develop this level of coaching presence with our clients but as coaches, we must find a way to meet the discomfort outside the coaching relationship. Otherwise, we are likely to fall into co-dependency which may result in a dysfunctional relationship that is not a coaching partnership.
- Feeling responsible for solving others’ problems.
- Offering advice.
- Poor communication regarding your observation
- Feeling used and underappreciated
- Caretaking to the detriment of our own wellness.
- People-pleasing (ignoring your own needs, then feeling frustrated)
To be truly present with our clients we strive to come to each session free of any agenda, emotional needs, or judgment. To do this we commit to work on identifying our unmet needs and naming what it is you need that is currently lacking. Then find a good time to talk it through with a mentor coach – keeping the focus on how you feel and not on the past.
